This is now the third and last page of my letter to you. I still have so many things to say but I’ll try to say them all here. How I wish also I’ll get to ask you to read this blog I intentionally created for my emotions to have an outlet. For now, let me keep all these with me in this blog site because I need to buy some more time to prepare myself for your reaction after reading this. I hope I’ll be ready when you decide to let go of my hands rather than to change FOR US. But I also hope you’ll choose to open your mind, and through this you’ll get to understand where my pain is coming from.
Last night, I told you that it seems my life has no more flavour of happiness. Well, it’s a figurative closed to literal. I hope you have figured out what I meant.
But to my disappointment, again, you forgot about me the very next day. Or maybe, you understood what I meant but you’re choosing to ignore it. I don’t know what to think anymore. I wanted so bad to ask, but I am more afraid to know the answer.
What happened to us? We were so sure of our feelings before and you were so sure of me. There was never a day we failed to say “I Love You” and each day upon waking up greeting each other through text messages was the first routine. Now, starting and even ending the day, I wonder if I still ever cross your mind.
I tried to resist you like the way you are disremembering me, but I failed because the more I try to forget you for a day, the more I think about you. I never forget when you told me, I’m like a gem, a precious stone deserves to be kept. Now, I’m like this under valued stone that no longer shines in your eyes. I no longer see the sparks as well in your eyes whenever you look at me. I still remember it clearly the way you look at me like you don’t want to take your eyes out of me. How you would lay eyes on me as if your looking at an enchantress and how I would try to avoid your contact because you’re making me conscious.
Those were the days you made me feel beautiful. Those were the days you made me restore my faith and trust to love again. I won’t deny it you had a rough start winning my trust and affection. No I won’t, because I have seen it. Those were also the times I have had trust issues that even trusting myself seemed a difficult task to do. For after getting hurt over and over again that I built walls so high you had to climb it so as to prove I deserve you.
Despite your hardships, though I’ve seen you get tired proving to me your sincere love never did I see you gave up. And that’s when I finally decided to take the risk of trusting again, and I chose you. Instead of climbing my walls, I took the step to destroy it so you won’t have to climb it for me and I’m glad I did it. Because joining you in your world was more than happier than living in a closed chamber I created just to guard my heart from trespassers who would try to win my heart but then eventually returns it broken.
You fixed me. But, loving someone who had been carelessly broken for so many times was formidable, difficult to deal with especially when any moment the ghost of the past follows and hunts me. Fear forced me to come running back to my old chamber leaving you behind. I made you feel that. I made you feel alone every time fear of getting my heart broken strikes in and I would push you away.
But every time I do so, instead of walking out you would selflessly wrap you hands around me not wanting me to go, begging me not to go. I am sorry for making it hard for you to love me, but know that I didn’t mean to. I was just full of fear. You made me strong and had helped me overcome fear, because you tirelessly proved to me it’s safe to trust you. So I loved you. I loved you without limiting what I can give for you, because you deserve all the love.
From that moment on, I had finally accepted you not only as a boyfriend anymore, but as a partner, and a future partner. Remember we would stay up all night just to talk and plan about our future. How we would raise our kids, how we would build our simple house one with mother nature. You even said, it’s one of your dreams to make a crown made of flowers and grass and put it on my head because to you I am your princess.
Remember, you have dreamt about a girl before you ever had the chance meeting me and in that dream you saw her in white, and though you haven’t seen her face you knew she’s the one. You ignored that dream, until the day had finally arrived for us to cross path. Thanks to our former instructor in R.V.E (Religious and Values Education) who made our meeting possible. Our first meeting isn’t that romantic like the others, because we both didn’t feel that so called “love at first sight”
I wasn’t looking and paying attention at you that much, clearly I wasn’t interested at you (hehe sorry). But, unlike me you said you were already looking at me secretly and that you saw something in me. You saw in my eyes that although my lips is smiling, melancholy emanates from it. Yes, I guess people were right about me that I have such an expressive eyes. My lips may fake a smile, but my eyes can never tell a lie. In fact, I didn’t even know I was faking my happiness then, maybe because I am forcing myself to be happy.
You already knew the tragic story I was going through before and the day you’ve met me (So I guess I no longer have to retell) and you were amazing to see my pain just through looking in my eyes. That day was so funny, because we both just forced to be set up for a date we only agreed because of out of respect to our instructor. After you left the restaurant I was relieved, thinking there’s no more forced meet ups to follow.
But, I was wrong. We were wrong. Because our instructor was very effortful to make a couple out of us. That very same day, you texted asking for my full name. I replied you my long full name and you laughed at it because I really did gave my full name and that day ended with the statement “Nice meeting you”
The next day, again I received a text from our RVE instructor to meet her in the school chapel because she wanted to know my impressions after meeting you. I met with her (Of course, I can’t say no even though I wanted to run away that day and make some excuse) not knowing she already texted you also to come see her in the chapel (we were set up again). When you arrived, that’s when she already asked to leave and that’s when I realized I was just cornered again.
So you had no choice but to sit with me also and begin a conversation. On that same day, you finally started developing a crush on me. According to you, my aura that day was very different from that you’ve met the other day, and that according to you also it’s like I transformed from that less beautiful lonely girl to a happier, more attractive girl with a genuine sweet smile.
Days past, and from total strangers to persons with mutual feelings. We would see each other in school everyday and would eat lunch together. After school you patiently wait up for me and would walk out with me just to make sure I would go home safe. Until, one day you saw me in my favorite hair style, the UPDO BUBBLE BUN HAIR STYLE and that reminded you of the same girl you saw in your dream having the same hair style as mine. You then confessed and asked if I could turn your dreams into reality and gave you my “YES”.
AND THE REST WAS HISTORY.
I am saying all these because I want you to remember, PLEASE REMEMBER. Because I haven’t forgotten them, I don’t want to forget. You are the most beautiful love story that ever happened to me. Something that was unplanned to happen. I didn’t search for you, you just came. And you came right on time when I was mending a broken heart and with your help, I went through it.
Please choose to stay and fix us because I cannot do it all by myself. I’m hurt and confused I don’t think I can repair everything for us. But first, please remember because what we’ve had isn’t something I can just easily forget and throw away. They were too beautiful to go to waste and become just memories.
Remember when you said every good things you were doing for me, you’re doing them because I deserve them. Looking at us now,
DO I STILL DESERVE YOUR LOVE, TIME, AND EFFORT? OR I DESERVE LESS FROM YOU, LIKE WHAT I AM GETTING FROM YOU NOW?
If you think you can no longer see your future with me in it, just say so. Remember when I told you, it’s better to be the one being left behind than the person who leaves someone behind, I will live on that vow. Because I know the feeling and I don’t wish that to happen to anyone else, not on you.
So, PLEASE REMEMBER ABOUT US AND DON’T FORGET, I AM JUST RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU EITHER TO PICK ME UP OR BE SENTENCED AGAIN WITH ANOTHER BROKEN HEART.
Whatever your decision may be, just know that I’ve never forgotten us and I appreciate you for who you are and all what you did back then. But, I also hope it will still be me you’re going to choose. I Love You and I will deal with pain for as long as I can until you remember.