The Letter 1/3: The Pretender

Just like a coffee, they say the longer a romantic relationship is, the colder it gets.

One day you’ll just wake up as if everything turned out so ordinary for the both of you in a snap. The thought of being together again is no longer as exciting as it was before. Sparks slowly fades out. You’ll come to a point you’ll be confused if you still care the person much as they are to you in the beginning. Sometimes, you would even caught yourself contemplating whether the feelings they have for you is still the same amount they had for you when you were still starting framing endearing memories together.
I am currently in a 2yr old relationship and I must say things have changed. Not to mention also the physical distance between us. And I admit those changes would sometimes leave me in tears whenever I try to compare now and then. So I’m making this 3 page letter to voice out what I actually cannot say to him because I feel I could explode if I continue to keep everything in me for in this chapter of my love story, I cannot help but ask

“Am I still being loved?”

The Pretender

It’s never an easy task for me to pretend like I’m not affected especially for a person like me who has anxiety disorder. It was never easy to cry in bed secretly while convincing myself “You’ll be okay. You’ve been through this before so many times and you were fine. So, you’ll be fine.”
It was never easy to deal with the pain all alone because all my life I used to face things alone so instead of crying it all out over someone, I would rather choose to keep the pain in silence and put on an act the next day like nothing happened, like I didn’t even cry over the same reason last night because again you forgot to even say goodnight after not hearing from you the whole day. And I would stay up all night, waiting for your text in vain, thinking why again you didn’t bother leaving even just a single message before going to bed. Something that is so unlikely you from what I’ve known you before.
Pretend like it’s no big deal if you only reach out to me whenever you have thought of me that very moment and after some two, or three exchange of messages I won’t hear a thing from you again till the day ends.
Pretend that I am deeply overjoyed replying “I love you too” when the truth is I want to ask you so bad, “Really, you love me?” because it feels to me as if we only exchange our I LOVE YOUs out of habit and not as a feeling. You say “I love you” but honestly, I can’t feel it from you so I pretend it’s all okay because I don’t want to go to a war I might left behind alone and wounded.
I pretend it’s okay with me if you remember to post a status on face book but didn’t remember to even say “hi, how are you?” Oh I would be joyful to hear those because at least, it would give me a sentiment that you actually care.
I also pretend it’s okay to see you active on messenger but didn’t even left a message for me.
I pretend not to overthink where you are, what are you doing because I am not getting an update from you anymore as to where and what you are up to. I want to know, at least I should know and for me that’s enough.
When will I ever stop pretending I’m okay when deep inside it pains me to think that the person who ever made me feel I am being valued, is making me feel unwanted today.

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